Ah. Sorry. As usual. I always say that I'm going to do things, and then I never carry out with them. This is why I can never finish something that I put down. Um... I guess I'm writing this journal to release all my feelings (as usual) and to procrastinate (from doing my hw...as usual)... I'm seriously over high school right now. I feel that every day in school is another day of the same repetitive schedule--go to school, listen to my teachers lecture, take tests/quizzes, come home, study, and repeat again the next day. Sure, sometimes the day may be better than usual or worse than usual. Take for example, last Friday--I thought I was having a good day because I was sort of relaxed and got to spend some time with my best friend in the warm sun for 2 hours while we were waiting for the poor underclassmen to finish taking their state standardized testing... I had food, felt comfortable, and was generally happy that morning. Then during the passing period between 1st and 2nd period, I somehow lost my watch (it just fell off my arm somehow), and I had a pop quiz in my 2nd period class (AP Biology). T^T That watch was a present to me from my best friend... Everything just sort of went downhill during 2nd period because of that quiz and because I realized in the middle of the quiz that I had lost my watch... I was just really out of it and tired of school all day because of the lost watch incident, and I seriously forgot and felt like it was not Friday... Sometimes, I feel like these "bad days" just get me down temporarily for that one day and then I just get back up the next, but lately, it just gets harder and harder to get over things quickly for me. :/ I think that maybe it's my mindset? I had a New Year's Resolution to be more optimistic, more healthy, and more productive this year--maybe I was more motivated at the beginning of the year? I feel like all I ever do is complain in my journals... I'm sorry to those of you who read these journals and expect more. I've learned over the course of this year that I absolutely despise my own writing--I feel like most people are more eloquent than I am when they write and speak. I've sort of stressed over the past month or so about various college things as well--I've had to turn in various forms and decide where I'm going to go for college. I looked over a bunch of checklists for what courses I need to take in the next 4 years, and I just feel more stressed and depressed every time I look at them. :/ I bet I'm going to fail the language placement exam for Spanish that I hope to take to relieve me of having to take foreign language in college. T^T I just don't want to waste my parents money on classes that I don't have to take if I could (I mean, I've taken 4 years of Spanish, but I feel that it hasn't completely prepared me for a full out writing, listening, speaking, and reading test). Maybe school isn't my thing? But I do understand that it's harder and harder to find a profession that pays if you don't receive a college education. I really love art, but I don't think I have what it takes to pursue it as a career. I doodle endlessly in my planners and at school when I finish my assignments for my Graphic Design class, but I don't think I'd have the talent that's necessary to enter an art school (haha, and it's sort of too late for me since I'm already nearing the end of my senior year). I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Haha, sometimes I watch Youtube videos and wonder what it'd be like if I started my own youtube channel. Could I turn it into a profession if I am successful enough? As well as college, I've had other things on my mind--for example, the upcoming AP tests. I have to take a AP Calculus BC test in a little more than a week, and it still hasn't reached my brain that I should be stressed out now. I took Calculus AB last year, and passed with a 5, but I feel like I don't remember the material from last year, and we don't have a BC class at my school, so my teacher has been teaching us bits and pieces of BC material during these last few weeks. :/ I'm also taking the AP Biology, AP Physics B, and AP Government tests. I feel underprepared for the biology test because our teacher doesn't really teach us much--during most of the school year, he just tells us random stories in class about his life. =_=# Only now has he actually looked at the standards and what's going to be on the new and revised version of the AP Biology test, and now he's trying to teach us ecology. I feel like I can only pray that I do well enough on my AP tests. I seriously can't wait until these tests are over. I understand that I am probably going to look back to now and say, "Oh why didn't I enjoy my senior year more?" because, yes, I know that the days are ticking down for me to enjoy my life as a kid. The day that I graduate is going to be one of my first steps into the adult world, without anybody to hold my hand or lead me to where I need to go. But as of right now, I just really wish school was over already.