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are also greatly appreciated! ^^ If you give me a llama, I will be glad to give you one back!
(*AHEM* NOTE: I wrote this yesterday night, but I had to go sleep, so I was not able to finish this post until today. So sorry for the strange time differences... And this was going to be one of my facebook statuses, but since it was incomplete and probably going to be annoyingly long to a lot of people, I decided not to post it... So I guess I shall make it into a journal now, while I am still using my dA account... Today's writing starts at the 2nd paragraph.)
For some reason, I always tend to become deeply emotional late at night and end up writing the sappiest (and longest) statuses. =_=# Maybe it's hormones. Or maybe I'm just more awake, seeing as how I'm more of a night owl than a morning person... Today, I had the courage to overcome one of my greatest fears, and I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. With this feeling of momentary relief, I also feel extremely happy--for once, I think I can actually describe myself as feeling "elated." I've learned so much this summer--about myself and about the world. Through the 3 months of my seemingly endless summer, I've had lots of time to reflect and think about various things. I've learned what love is to me, who I love the most, and how to let go of those you love. I've learned to be more mature, but not completely let go of my "kid at heart."
I am set to move to college this week, and I am filled with so many insecurities that I am terrified. Every time I meet someone who asks me if I'm excited about college, I just tell them that "I'm a little excited, but mainly nervous." But I never fully elaborate and tell them how scared I am. I am scared that no one will like me, that I won't get along with my roommates, that I won't make friends, that I won't do well in my classes, that I won't remember how to study, that I'm going to fail. I think that one of my greatest fears is of the unknown. Many people see the future in a positive light, as a path that you make for yourself, with every day being a new day. But I feel like that is the most terrifying thing for me--I don't know how I'm going to do. I don't feel prepared for something that I know absolutely nothing about.
But I still hold a little bit of hope in my heart~ I'm trying to face this fear of mine (and many of my other fears, like I did yesterday night) and bring up the courage to look positively into the future. I found the tumblr of an artist named chibird yesterday, and I fell in love with her art. chibird.com/ I completely relate to a lot of her animated GIFs, and I found out that she's starting college this year as well! She had many of the same insecurities that I had about starting college, and she seems to be enjoying it now~ All of her pictures are adorable, and most of them are very inspiring and motivational~ Looking at her art yesterday really motivated me to face one of my fears, and I am so glad that I was able to muster up enough courage to do so. I hope that her art will continue to inspire others, so check it out if you think you might need a little boost of happiness.
Saturday (tomorrow) is a bittersweet day for me. I am looking forward to seeing my friends and going shopping with them in the morning, and yet I am dreading the same exact day because it's the day the I move in to my dorm for college. I already said goodbye to many of my friends at the end of August when they moved away for college, and now I'm going to have to say goodbye to the rest of my friends and my parents because we're all going our separate ways. I'm horrible at saying goodbyes, and I hate saying them because I feel like it might be the last time I see someone if I'm saying "goodbye." You never know if it might be the final goodbye that you get to say to your friend, or your parents, or your relatives, because accidents and death could happen at any time. A girl from my sophomore dance class died this past year in a car accident on her way to the beach with a few of her friends and her sister, and I felt a terrible pang of guilt for not having gotten to know her better. I felt like I had a midlife crisis in the middle of this summer, when I suddenly missed everyone I knew in high school and regretted not talking to them more and learning more about them. I'm just sad that I have to part ways with so many wonderful people, and I'm afraid (OH SEE ANOTHER FEAR) that I will never see them ever again.
I...really believe in fate and karma. To me, whether there is an all powerful being or multiple rulers of the universe or none at all, I feel that my fate may have already been decided. There could be multiple dimensions and universes with different versions of me and my future, depending on the different decisions that I make, but, for now, I am living in THIS dimension, in THIS universe, in THIS version of my life. My decisions may or may not be pre-decided for me, but I try to make them with the best of my ability so that I do not end up with what I call, "bad karma." Anything that goes against my conscience makes me feel guilty/wrong, and I feel like something horrible will befall me for having such bad karma. Thus, I try to live my life by surrounding myself with good karma--helping others is very rewarding for me. So, I hope that fate will be nice to me, and that in my current life, I will be able to meet all of those wonderful people that I've known in high school some day again in my future. I hold that small ball of hope in my heart that this will come true~
Ummm.... OK, I guess that's enough of my crazy emotional rants. I created some art this summer, so I hope to upload some of it today. But once school starts, I don't expect to be posting on dA often. :/ Perhaps the next time you shall hear from me will be in winter? I really hope that you all have a wonderful year though, and good luck! ^u^